Is it better to be independent or codependent?

My husband was away for work a lot last month. Because he was gone for so long, I ended up doing a lot of things that I usually labeled as something he should do. I felt a sense of accomplishment and pride knowing that I was capable of doing things on my own. He was doing the same thing. While on his trip, he was forced to be independent. When he returned home he continued doing things for himself, such as ironing his own shirts. 

Our extended time apart allowed each of us to expand our circle of responsibility to once again include everything around us. We were no longer codependent, waiting helplessly for the other to do their assigned part. We had become independent. And it was a good thing.

The Nordic model has promoted personal independence for quite some time. Anu Partanen says, “Nordic societies have already transitioned toward the primary and more contemporary goal of supporting the independence of the individual, so that the individual can then afford to make supportive and loving commitments to other people, like pairing up and starting a family… The result has been — no surprise to any Nordic citizen — stronger families.” (The Nordic Theory of Everything, p91)

Finland requires individuals to file their own taxes, there is no such thing as filing jointly there. Also, insurance is not tied to your spouse’s job. Each person is provided insurance by the government, with no requirement to be codependent in order to be healthy. Parents are each given an opportunity to stay home with a new child during the first year, allowing both parents to be part of their child’s emotional space. These measures, and many others, allow adults to feel more in control of their own actions and decisions, which in turn allows them to enjoy a more honest relationship with others. 

“The Nordic theory of love has provided a vision: how independent individuals can actually create stronger and more resilient familial teams than spouses who are tied to each other in relationships that are unequal, or that involve financial and logistical dependencies. In turn, the Nordic countries have provided the policies to make this vision come true: straightforward social policies, at the national level, that make sense for families in the twenty-first century—and that could be adopted by any country that wants to achieve similar results.” (The Nordic Theory of Everything, p101)

Codependence weakens the parts of us that we outsource to others; typically to our partner. When we separate, we re-learn how to care for ourselves on our own. We find ourselves. 

As hard as it is to be separated, an occasional separation can be good for you. I know we will continue to behave as individuals, no longer restricting our perview due to outdated gender models. We can then seamlessly transition between modes of codependency and independence, only with a great deal of burden taken off of the relationship as we are more willing to be independent while being together. Making us more capable of truly appreciating each other.

What did I learn from this?

I’m happier and healthier when I act independently.